December 2011

Nigel Davies, 2011-11-30 08:23:22

Sorry, but as you may have already noticed (and emailed us about), we've skipped November completely due to pressures of work. No sooner had we put the proverbial pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and penned the October editorial, than we blink, look up and Christmas is just around the corner! Where has the year gone? (A question that philosophers have been... er... philosophising over for centuries and one I'm not going to get into now.)

No, let us take the opportunity now, lest we forget in the mad and hectic rush up to the pagan festival that has less to do with Christianity and more to do with finding the top-selling children's toy, the fight for the UK's No. 1 X-Factor, sorry, Christmas single or working out which of your colleagues should or shouldn't get a Christmas card (wherever you stop, someone will be upset!) to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a successful 2012.

And as is something of a tradition at this time of year, we'll hand December's editorial over to the 2011 Babbage Awards, celebrating all that is impractical, insane and ingrained in the construction industry. All of the winners below are real. Only the names have been omitted to protect the guilty. We hope you enjoy.

THE 2011 EYC BABBAGE AWARDS

It’s par for the course that some people will not give their tasks as much thought as they should, or even could. Problems are caused by careless work, insufficient checking or poor management practices, all of which could be avoided. There are times when people specifically avoid engaging their brains - politics and public budgets especially come to mind - they struggle to be intentionally obtuse simply to make a point or spend money that could be better used elsewhere. This is why our first award in 2011 Babbage Awards is called the:.

Local Government "Roadworks" Award for Efficient Business Practice

This award goes to a top engineering practice who should really know better. A support call was logged that a user was having problems with the IGES export from Bentley Structural. As with all support calls, understanding the reason behind the workflow can help resolve the problem, so the user was asked why they were trying to export an IGES model in the first place. The reason given was that they needed to convert a Rhino model more successfully than the Rhino DWG export would allow. Apparently the meshes weren’t accurate enough.

So why were they using IGES rather than DWG? Because it needed to go into Sketchup.

You could almost hear the needle scratch sound effect. The user was asked to confirm why they were importing a Rhino model into Bentley Structural and then exporting it out using IGES to import into Sketchup. The answer? I’m sure you’re all dying to hear this: Because the section cutting tool in Rhino is rubbish.

It should be noted that the Rhino model consisted of merely two beams, a column and a connection plate with a bolt. The connection was remodelled in Bentley Structural - spending almost 2 minutes on it, including creating 2 sections.

A little knowledge...

The Valueless Verbosity Award

I don't know about you, but we love architectural bids. The pretentiousness exuded in the literary prose intentionally overshadows the mundanity of the ocular element of the proposal. Yeah... anyway, here's out favourite, from a competition to design a new electricity pylon.

"...creates a poetic dialogue between structure and landscape. Its shape responds to changes in topography, striding across the horizon in sequence with a lightness and grace. Although seemingly filigree in nature, these pylons have been designed for resilience, adapting to different site conditions by expansion and contraction of the arced form."

Wonderful stuff!

The Anything But Smart KnowledgeSmart Award

For those of you who use or know of KnowledgeSmart, you will no doubt have come across the "perfect user". These people exist in every office - they’ve been using CAD for years (I mean Computer Aided Design, not the shortened form because people are too lazy to say "Auto"CAD - don’t get me started!) and are experts in their own lunchtime. Yet when you sit them down in front of an independent assessment, they score nowhere near 100%. It can’t of course be their fault, it must be the software; they got every question right, it’s just that the marking is incorrect.

This award is dedicated to every one of those people:

The Microsoft Squiggly Green Line Award

The winner of the worst grammatical errors and spell-checking goes to… Microsoft! Over the last year, I have been collecting examples of incorrect grammar corrections you can get in Microsoft products. I’m sure there are hundreds more, but please feel free to send them in if you have any.

Here are our top five stupid grammatical corrections:

5. Correct: I’m not sure who we should send these to during her time off.

   Microsoft’s “correction”: I’m not sure who we should send these two during her time off.

(OK, officially that should be “I’m not sure to whom we send these…” but who speaks like that anymore?)

4. Correct: Typically, unless you use Sheets, that would include: scaling the reference file, moving it into place, etc…

   Microsoft’s “correction”: Typically, unless you use Sheets, which would include: scaling the reference file, moving it into place, etc…

(Ever heard of a sub-clause, Bill?)

3. Correct: Why don’t your file names match the names Rory is expecting?

   Microsoft’s “correction”: (If you were expecting “you’re” then think again) Why don’t you file names match the names Rory is expecting?

(Microsoft have particular problems with your. Try this one: Did you know your Out of Office is on?)

2. Correct: Either email it to “support” or me.

   Microsoft’s “correction”: Either emails it to “support” for me.

And our current favourite, because even Microsoft corrects their own stupid correction if you accept it:

1. Correct: If that is not possible, when are they due?

   Microsoft’s “correction”: If that is not possible, when are they do?

If you change it to “do”, you get another squiggly line which suggests you change it to Microsoft’s second “correction”: If that is not possible, when are they doing?

EYC Lifetime Achievement Award For Outstanding Contribution to Building

And finally, forget the RIBA Awards, the Building Awards, or even the Carbuncle Awards, here is our recommendation for a special lifetime achievement award for outstanding contribution to our industry. In an era when times are hard, money is short and fees have been dramatically cut, along with the jobs those fees once provided, it is reassuring to know that at least one public figure stands head and shoulders above the rest in their experience and knowledge, providing unbiased opinion on today’s architecture.

Yes, Charles, from all of us involved with UK Construction, thanks for your outstanding contribution to our once proud and world renowned industry. You truly are a great figurehead. Or should that say "you truly are a proper Charlie"?

Thank you, and goodnight.